My-IELTS-subjective

题目

按照这个模板，写一个简单的范文吧，告诉我写作思路，其中的好的句式和好词，最后做出总结。

我的作文

The provided bar chart compares the number of households in the US by income per year in three years, 2007, 2011, and 2015.

It is clear that the family who earned more than $100,000 had the largest number among the five groups, while the group with an income between $75,000 and $99,999 remained the smallest throughout the time.

Regarding high-income families, the number of households with more than $100,000 declined to less than 30 million in 2011 and then rose significantly to 33 million in 2015. Similarly, the low-income families less than $25000 from 25 million increased to around 30 million in 2011, whereas dropped slightly in 2015.

Turning to medium-income families, those who earned between $50000 and $74999 reached a peak at 15 million in 2015 with a decline to almost 13 million in 2015. Besides, the number of households from $25000 to $49,999 fluctuated around 14 million in 2007 which was 13 million in 2011 and 15 million in 2015. The lower part kept a stable level of 21 million.

修改意见

好的，同学你好。我是你的雅思写作辅导老师。我已经仔细阅读了你的这篇作文，并为你准备了一份详细的批改报告。

首先，我要表扬你。你采用了非常清晰的“四段式”结构，这让你的文章骨架很棒，这是一个非常好的开端。现在，让我们一起深入看看细节，找到可以让你从现有基础快速提升分数的地方。

第一部分：分项评分与解析 (Sectional Scoring & Analysis)

  1. 任务回应 (Task Response - TR)

    • 预估分数: 5.0
    • 评分理由: 这是本次作文最主要的问题所在。虽然你尝试去描述和比较数据，但报告中的关键数据几乎完全错误。例如，你提到中等收入家庭($50k-$74k)的数字在 1300-1500 万之间，但图表显示该组别一直稳定在 2100 万左右。同样，对其他收入组别的数据描述也与图表不符。此外，你在概述(Overview)中提到“$100,000 以上的家庭数量最多”，这个判断在 2011 年是不成立的。这些数据上的硬伤严重影响了任务完成的质量。

  2. 连贯与衔接 (Coherence and Cohesion - CC)

    • 预估分数: 6.0
    • 评分理由: 你的文章结构是清晰的，遵循了“引言-概述-细节”的模式，段落划分合理。但是，连接词的使用存在一些逻辑问题。例如，你在描述两个趋势完全不同的数据组时使用了 Similarly (同样地)，这在逻辑上是不通的。文章在描述完最后一个数据点后戛然而止，缺少一个清晰的收尾，感觉不够完整。

  3. 词汇资源 (Lexical Resource - LR)

    • 预估分数: 6.0
    • 评分理由: 你使用了一些描述图表的基本词汇，如 compares, declined, rose significantly, fluctuated 等。但整体词汇比较单一，缺少同义替换和更精确的表达。例如，你可以用 households 或 figures for 来替换 the number of。有一些搭配不自然的地方，比如 family who earned (应为 households that earned)。

  4. 语法广度与准确性 (Grammatical Range and Accuracy - GRA)

    • 预估分数: 6.0
    • 评分理由: 句子结构以简单句为主，虽然也尝试了 whereas 和 which 引导的从句，但运用不够熟练，有时会造成句子结构混乱。例如，...reached a peak at 15 million in 2015 with a decline to almost 13 million in 2015 这个句子存在逻辑和表述上的矛盾。语法错误不算非常多，但会影响意思的清晰传达。

第二部分：写作思路与结构梳理 (Essay Structure & Logic Analysis)

  1. 整体逻辑框架: 你的四段式框架非常值得肯定，这是高分作文的基础。问题在于，框架内的内容（主要是数据和分析）未能准确地支撑起这个框架。
  2. 引言 (Introduction): 引言部分成功地改写了题目，清晰地说明了图表的主题。做得很好。
  3. 概述 (Overview): 概述段落的思路很好——找出最大和最小的群体。这是一个有效的提炼核心特征的方法。然而，如前所述，其中一个核心特征（“最高收入群体数量最多”）并非在所有年份都成立，这削弱了概述的准确性。
  4. 主体段落分析 (Body Paragraphs):
    • 第三段: 你将最高收入和最低收入的家庭分在一组进行讨论，这是一个不错的分类。但问题是，你描述的两个群体的具体数据和趋势（尤其是最低收入群体）与图表严重不符，并且用 Similarly 连接两个不同的趋势是错误的。
    • 第四段: 你将中间的三个收入组合并讨论，但描述完全混乱了。你似乎把不同收入区间的柱状图搞混了，导致数据引用完全错误。例如，你说“$50000-$74999”组别的数据，但引用的数字（13-15 million）其实是“$75000-$99999”组别的数据。最后一句 The lower part kept a stable level of 21 million 表达非常模糊，读者不清楚具体指代哪个部分。

第三部分：逐句分析与优化 (Sentence-by-Sentence Breakdown)

下面，我们将逐句分析你的作文，并修正其中的错误。这不仅仅是修改，更是为了让你理解问题出在哪里。

原句 (Original Sentence) 修改后 (Revised Sentence) 分析与建议 (Analysis & Suggestions)
The provided bar chart compares the number of households in the US by income per year in three years, 2007, 2011, and 2015. The provided bar chart illustrates the number of US households (in millions) across five different annual income brackets for the years 2007, 2011, and 2015. 优化表达: compares...by income per year in three years 有些啰嗦。illustrates...across five different annual income brackets for the years... 表达更精确、更地道。
It is clear that the family who earned more than $100,000 had the largest number among the five groups, while the group with an income between $75,000 and $99,999 remained the smallest throughout the time. Overall, the number of households earning $100,000 or more saw the most significant growth and became the largest category by 2015, while the $75,000-$99,999 income group consistently represented the smallest number of households. 修正逻辑: 你的原句说最高收入组“数量最多”，但这在 2011 年不成立。修改后的句子强调了其“显著增长”并“最终成为最大群体”的动态过程，这更符合事实。同时，将 family who earned 改为更书面的 households earning。
Regarding high-income families, the number of households with more than $100,000 declined to less than 30 million in 2011 and then rose significantly to 33 million in 2015. Regarding the highest earners, the figure for households with an income of $100,000 or more started at approximately 29 million, experienced a slight dip in 2011, before rising significantly to a peak of around 33 million in 2015. 修正数据与表达: 1. 图中 2007 年该组别的起点就在 30m 以下，用declined to less than 30m不准确。2. started at..., experienced a slight dip, before rising...能更精确地描述整个变化过程。3. 使用 figure for households 作为同义替换。
Similarly, the low-income families less than $25000 from 25 million increased to around 30 million in 2011, whereas dropped slightly in 2015. In contrast, the number of households in the lowest income bracket (less than $25,000) increased from 25 million in 2007 to about 28 million in 2011 and remained relatively stable thereafter. 修正数据与逻辑: 1. 数据错误: 图中该组别在 2011 年增长到约 28m，不是 30m。2. 逻辑错误: 这组的趋势（先升后稳）与上一组（先降后升）完全不同，不能用 Similarly。应使用 In contrast (相反地)。
Turning to medium-income families, those who earned between $50000 and $74999 reached a peak at 15 million in 2015 with a decline to almost 13 million in 2015. Turning to the other groups, the number of households earning $25,000-$49,999 was the largest group in 2011, at nearly 30 million, but its figure fluctuated slightly over the period. 修正数据与重组: 你的原句引用了完全错误的数据。我重写了这一部分，先描述了$25k-$49k 这个组别，它在 2011 年是最大的群体，这是一个很重要的特征。
Besides, the number of households from $25000 to $49,999 fluctuated around 14 million in 2007 which was 13 million in 2011 and 15 million in 2015. Meanwhile, the figure for the $50,000-$74,999 bracket remained remarkably stable, staying at approximately 21 million across all three years. 修正数据与重组: 同样，你的原句数据是错的。我把描述$50k-$74k 这个组别的内容放在这里。它最显著的特点就是“非常稳定”，这是一个关键信息。
The lower part kept a stable level of 21 million. (This sentence is removed as its point is integrated into the sentence above for clarity and accuracy.) 删除与整合: 原句表达不清，且描述的内容（21 million）其实是$50k-$74k 组别的数据。我已经将这个信息清晰地整合到了上一句中。

修改后范文 (Revised Version)

预估分数: 7.5+

The provided bar chart illustrates the number of US households (in millions) across five different annual income brackets for the years 2007, 2011, and 2015.

Overall, the number of households earning $100,000 or more saw the most significant growth and became the largest category by 2015, while the $75,000-$99,999 income group consistently represented the smallest number of households.

Regarding the highest earners, the figure for households with an income of $100,000 or more started at approximately 29 million, experienced a slight dip in 2011, before rising significantly to a peak of around 33 million in 2015. In contrast, the number of households in the lowest income bracket (less than $25,000) increased from 25 million in 2007 to about 28 million in 2011 and remained relatively stable thereafter.

Turning to the other groups, the number of households earning $25,000-$49,999 was the largest group in 2011, at nearly 30 million, but its figure fluctuated slightly over the period. Meanwhile, the figure for the $50,000-$74,999 bracket remained remarkably stable, staying at approximately 21 million across all three years.

(Word Count: 182)

第四部分：总评与知识点总结 (Overall Feedback & Key Takeaways)

  1. 总体评价 (Overall Comments)

    • 预估总分 (Estimated Overall Band Score): 5.5
    • 你的强项在于清晰的文章结构意识，这是一个非常宝贵的起点。然而，本次写作最大的问题在于对图表信息的误读，导致几乎所有的数据支持都是错误的。这在雅思写作 Task 1 中是致命的，因为它直接违背了“准确总结和报告信息”的核心要求。请不要灰心，这是一个通过练习完全可以解决的问题！只要你能做到细心读图，你的分数会立刻有质的飞跃。

  2. 核心知识点总结 (Key Learning Points)

    • 读图第一，动笔第二: 在动笔前，花至少 2 分钟时间仔细看图。核对图例（legend）、纵轴（Y-axis）的单位和数值，用手指或者笔尖指着每一个你想描述的数据条，确保你看的是正确的类别和正确的数值。这是你当前最需要解决的问题。
    • 概述 (Overview) 必须精准: 概述是全文的灵魂，它总结的是贯穿始终的、最宏观的特征。如果一个特征只在部分年份成立（比如“$100k+组是最大群体”），那么它更适合作为细节放在主体段落，而不是作为宏观规律写在概述里。一个更准确的概述可以是：“最高收入群体的数量增长最快，而中高收入($75-99k)的群体始终最少。”
    • 逻辑连接词要准确: 使用 Similarly (同样地) 的前提是两个事物的变化趋势或特征确实相似。如果趋势相反或不同，应该使用 In contrast, However, while 等表示对比的词。
    • 数据分组要清晰: 你将高低收入分一组，中间收入分另一组的思路是可行的。在修改版范文中，我采用了另一种分组方式：将变化最显著的两组（最高和最低收入）放一段；将中间三组里最有特点的（2011 年最大值和最稳定的一组）放另一段。这两种分组方式都可以，关键在于要确保每组内部的描述是准确和有逻辑的。

希望这份详细的报告能帮助你。请务必把“细心读图”作为下一次练习的重中之重。你的基础很好，解决了这个问题，提分会非常快。加油！

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